I bought a Philips electric razor.
The cleaning instruction tells me to rinse the head under hot water. Then it adds, ‘Caution: Hot Water can Burn.’
Now – logically – when you think about it, anyone who uses an electric razor is going to be over the age of 16. And if they don’t know that hot water burns ...

If you tell me that Philips that have to cover themselves I’ll start banging my head on the wall again.

***

Notice on the harbour in Capri says:- ‘It is dangerous to fall in the water.’

Makes me want to jump in and never come up.

***

Notice in Tesco:- Parsnips are 1 of your 5 a day.

No they’re not – they’re root vegetables. Look in the dictionary.

***

I bought a full size English flag from Amazon. You know, St George; all that patriotic stuff.

It was made in China.

***

I like comedy. I used to watch a lot of comedy on TV. I watch less and less now. The modern, lefty, Politically Correct (Comedians?) have no jokes. Next time you’re watching one on TV – listen to what he/she is saying. Don’t just laugh because the audience laugh. Analyse what he/she says. It’s very rarely funny. It’s mainly propaganda for the pro immigration lobby or the Secular Society. So, if you don’t laugh you’re a racist, or a Jehovah’s Witness or something.
When they run out of propaganda they swear, like f... and blind type swearing. It used to be called ‘foul mouthed’ and was confined to Working Mens’ Clubs. It’s not comedy. But it’s on your TV, in your home. And you’re paying for it with your licence fee. That’s not funny either.

Then there are the Muslim and Black comedians. They cash in because they can say things that the non-M&B community can’t say. Either that – or they’re poking fun at our perceived non-PC attitude. Which is OK ... but we can't do it back. So you laugh. But it’s not ha ha laughing. You laugh because you feel a bit uncomfortable, maybe nervous, maybe shocked. ‘Oh dear. Did you hear what he said? We used to be able to say that in the 1960’s’

And that’s it. You used to be able to say that. But you can’t now. So it’s all to do with your free speech being slowly taken away from you.
And that’s not funny either.
Have a nice day.

***

The ‘caution’ on this bar of milk chocolate says it ‘contains milk.’

Hmm. Always read the small print. That’s what I say.

***

Wanna quick sick?
Next time you’re staying at a posh hotel, you know, polished floors, flunkies and fancy prices, go in the bathroom and remove the plugs from the bath and washbasin. It’s surprising what you find.

If the plugs are the modern ones that lift out and have wings under them they very often have a collection of tooth debris, pubics and heaven knows what, that go back to the day the place was opened.

Have a nice stay.

***

Our Year: 2008
Extracts from the Christmas Letter

Hi,
This my ‘one letter does all for 2008.’

I’ll start with an apology. Several people have sent me e-mails and not had a reply, so they think I’ve changed my address. But I haven’t. It’s still the same as ever. The problem is, I download my e-mails via Outlook Express and I had a hiccup with that at one stage. In the end I had to go into the server’s computer to collect my mail. And when I looked – wait for it – there were over 12,500 e-mails in there. Now, even a gentleman of leisure like me has a problem ploughing through that lot. So I deleted them all with a press of a Button – sorry. Needless to say – I do get a lot of Spam. David and Jon say that’s because I must have been visiting dodgy websites.

Dodgy websites? Moi? Anyway “it was only for research your honour.” Come to think of it – how do David and Jon know what happens when you visit dodgy sites?

... Diz and Dan have 2 kids, Isobel – 4 and Charlie – 7. They come out with interesting quips now and again. The other day Isobel said to me, ‘I’ve got an egg in my belly.’ So I said, ‘Did you have it for breakfast?’ And she said, ‘No. Charlie said it’s there so I can have a baby.’
‘Off you go and play.’
Then Charlie said, ‘My birthday’s on the 25th of October. And Jesus was born on the 25th of December. So I think I might be the next Jesus.’
Watch this space.

... Nearer home we have – us two. Me an’ ’er, as they say in Manchester. Liz is incredibly busy. To start with she’s in the local WI and on the committee. So she does all kinds of WI things. She doesn’t make jam or pose in the nude for calendars. But she does everything else; WI meetings; committee meetings; conferences; weekend courses; and a couple of hours of skittles once a fortnight. Along with that, she reads the lesson in the church on Sunday’s and sits on the Parish Council – which is a kind of Vicar of Dibley thing. Then she does line-dancing every Tuesday evening and goes to a sowing club every Monday morning. As well as all that she child-minds Isobel and Charlie 3 afternoons a week, with all the ferrying that entails. But she still manages to come out with me a couple of evenings a week plus a full day’s shopping expedition every Tuesday. In fact I’m so busy watching her that I don’t really have time for anything myself.
So I just skull along; bit of writing; bit of editing; bit of publishing; bit of blogging; bit of walking; bit of keep-fit; bit of reading; bit of gardening; bit of social drinking. Hmm – my life’s a bit bitty really. Maybe I should do something about it. Well; maybe; in a bit.

Travel? Well it’s ironic really. We haven’t done much but it got to be too much for me in the end. It started with a few days in Goodwick, West Wales. Then came a fortnight in Italy, followed closely by the Edinburgh Tattoo; followed closely by a few days in Lougharne, West Wales. So, when Diz invited us to West Wales again in the Autumn, I turned it down. Mainly because I am in the middle of editing a book. However, there is another little trip coming up shortly because, as a Christmas present, Penny and David have invited us to Dinner and entertainment at a pub in Cornwall on the 23rd December. The entertainment is a comedian called Jethro, or something like that. I know I am going to enjoy it because Diz says she doesn’t like Jethro. And Diz is Politically Correct. And I’m not. So that should be OK then. Funny thing though, about this travel; unintentionally, we seem to have had a bit of a Dylan Thomas cum Georgian theme this year. The house we stayed-in in Goodwick was used in the film version of Under Milkwood. It was Polly Garter’s house. And Polly Garter was played by Elizabeth Taylor. It’s a lovely place. Right on the beach. When the tide was going out you could step out of the front door and collect your fill of fresh mussels. Then the next connection with Thomas was in Lougharne, which is where he did all his writing. And, of course, he’s very much in evidence there. Then the Georgian theme comes in because, when we were in Edinburgh, we did a tour of the Georgian House in Charlotte Square – and we were all impressed with it. Then, in Lougharne, we stayed in The Great House, which is a Georgian House, fully furnished in the Georgian Period and tradition. And it was great too!

So that was the year that was. Now here’s to the year to come.

We wish every one of you a Merry Christmas and a healthy and contented New Year.

THIS WEEKS PET HATES

Motorists who don’t use their indicators.
Does flicking your indicator switch before you turn
come under the heading of ‘multitasking’ or what?
You’d think so, when you see the number of people
who can’t manage it. Or maybe it’s manual labour or
or something. Only for the plebs. I think the answer
to the problem is to make make indicators an ‘optional
extra.’ Then all these dickheads with the flash wheels
and personalised number plates would be clamouring
for them so they could keep flicking them on and off
to show the rest of us how cool they are.

Then there are the guys who zoom on to the roundabout and
speed up so that nobody else can get on. Are these people
out of circuses or something? Can’t wait to go charging round
the ring. Maybe they dream about doing the Wall of Death
but don’t just have the bottle to try zooming up a building.
They should put the wife’s lipstick on and cover their faces in
flour. Because they are clowns – or ijits more like.

MORRISON’S CAFE
I ordered sandwiches in Morrisons and when they came there was
a packet of crisps with them. I didn’t order crisps. But they were
compulsory with the sandwiches. So I sent the whole lot back.
It’s a con. The crisps aren’t a free gift. They’re costed in with the
sandwiches. So Morrisons were trying to sell me a packet of
crisps that I didn’t want. And they’re not the only ones at it. I’ve had it in
pubs and hotels. Crisps are added to their sandwiches and salads.
Like I say – it’s a con. And the only way to stop it is to boycott all
the meals they put unasked-for items on.